The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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