i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
