i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
