Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
