Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
