Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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