Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
