I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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