His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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