I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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