I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
