All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
