That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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