it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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