dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
