I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
