Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
