One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
