I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
