I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
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I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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