He asked to "fluff my boner.."
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize