There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
