My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
