My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
