Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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