he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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