If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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