Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Couch. On fire.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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