Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to calm my uterus...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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