i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
