I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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