I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
