Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm always down for nudity.
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