I think my fart just growled at me.
handjob tips. give me some.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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