I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my being single is dangerous.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
