Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
