Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
