this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
