Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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