I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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