I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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