proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
