I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
