My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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