Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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