Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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