Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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