Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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