This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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