im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
