what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
