I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
last night I used snow as a chaser
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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