I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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