either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
