Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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