I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
