I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
